just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming... :D

OK, so last night i was sitting out on my porch and it was so perfect out there...we just put our christmas lights up, and it was a little chilly, but not too cold...perfect weather for wearing my favorite sweatshirt, sitting in my favorite spot, it's almost my favorite time of year (Christmas!), and i was doing one of my favorite things - praying/writing in my journal. It was such a beautiful, intimate meeting with my Father, I just have to share what I was taught!

I hope what I'm about to say makes sense, because I'm gonna try to put into words what's been going on in my life/my head for the past few weeks, but it's gonna be kinda hard, without getting into too much detail. So I might ramble/not make sense. Anyways, maybe (hopefully) someone can relate.

Do you ever feel like when it rains, it pours? I know that's so cliche, but to me this seems to be the way things have been going in my life. One thing can't go wrong without spurring on a whole avalanche of other things, whether they are a big scary things or small issues i get over in a few hours. Some examples: my car breaking down and having to get towed (I got to ride in a police car!), My car breaking down again and having to take it BACK to the shop, My bank account getting broken into, a significant relationship falling apart, my piano getting sick (she doesn't like wine haha - she's better now though whew!), finding out I can't be in choir AGAIN next semester b/c of scheduling, my sister's health problems, my lack of money, stress about school and finding an apartment for next year, etc etc etc avalanche avalanche avalanche...

BUT please understand I'm NOT in any way looking for a pity party of any kind, or sympathy of any kind, because I am learning to roll with the punches, knowing that my battle's already won. I mean at some point, I just have to laugh. To sound cliche again, No one ever said life would be easy. In fact, we are told that this life will be HARD - and we will have trouble. But as soon as we are told that, our gracious God turns around and tells us to take heart, because he has overcome the world! (john 16:33) This is why I am able to laugh. I've realized that your attitude about life is a decision. I'm making a decision every day to start that day off trying to embrace a kingdom mindset, that this life is but a SECOND in the scheme of things. This world is not my kingdom - this is where last night comes in.

I've been reading captivating by john & stasi eldredge recently - and I love it, but I have to be honest, sometimes books like this discourage me. Sometimes I just feel like I can never get there, or never be where I'm supposed to be in my relationship with the Lord. Christian self-help books are great, and I know the authors don't mean to do this, but they can be so discouraging to me! They sometimes make me start to question what is wrong with me? or why don't I relate to this? etc. So last night I was praying, and just expressing to the Lord that I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle - that I don't understand why I never feel good enough, or like a good enough Christian (blah i almost hate to use the word "Christian" in that sense - because I feel like it's such a label...) SO almost as soon as I could get those words out and written in my journal, it hit me. I felt my father saying duh! Courtney, it IS and WILL BE a never-ending battle on this earth! As long as we're here in this world, I will be, and You will be, fighting an unending war with Satan who is trying his hardest to convince us that we're not good enough. This is not to be discouraging though - Yes, at times it seems tough, and I just want to give up and throw in the towel, but God has called ME, little ol' me, to fight this battle for HIM! I take this as a challenge - to tackle this world, and overcome it - just as HE did...yeah it's gonna be tough, but we cannot stop fighting until we take our last breath of this world, and our first breath of Heaven. Because only then will be go where we really belong - His kingdom will be our kingdom. I just need to remind myself of this sometimes - that I don't belong here, and that one day I will be home. I can't wait for the day I "trade this exile for homecoming" (that's a reference to the message translation...forgot which verse, i just thought the wording was beautiful...)

Then, I wanted to find an encouraging scripture about all of this - fighting the battle here to inherit the kingdom there...and I think the Lord showed me the most perfect, beautiful, applicable verses (amen for the word being alive!):

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have alread been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But ont thing I do: Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I PRESS ON TOWARD THE GOAL TO WIN THE PRIZE FOR WHICH GOD HAS CALLED ME HEAVENWARD IN CHRIST JESUS. All of us who are mature [**me, mature? haha] should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. [**He made clear to me last night my thinking was silly!**].....[skip down a few verses]...But OUR CITIZENSHIP IS IN HEAVEN. And we eagerly await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowl bodies so that they will be like his glorious body......[skip some more]....Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING, BY PRAYER AND PETITION, WITH THANKSGIVING, PRESENT YOUR REQUESTS TO GOD. AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS." Philippians 3:12-16, 20-21, 4:4-7

woo hoo!! i love confirmation of my prayers from scriptures - that my citizenship/kingdom is in heaven, not here! this life is just a split-second in the big picture! also, i think it was so refreshing to read the words "press on". I pray that I might, and we all might press on to his kingdom, no matter how yucky life can be.

Another quote i found today that seems applicable :) -- "I have been told I need to believe in Jesus, which is a good thing. But what I'm learning is that Jesus believes in me. I have been told that I need to have faith in God. Which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that God has faith in me." -Rob Bell

Finally, I'm done haha...I hope someone got something out of all my babbling. another long blog....man i need to learn how to consolidate haha! ;D

Hope you are all having a WONDERFUL day!!
Blessings.....C


**p.s. the title is in reference to finding nemo - dory's philosophy on life :D, incase you were wondering!