Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Relationship with HIM + God's truths = A Beautiful Thing

I know what you're thinking, what a weirdo with too much time on her hands. BUT, during my internship I find that I spend numerous hours a day alone in my office, with not much to do besides play on facebook haha, which gives me entirely too long to think. I don't know about you, but when I spend a long time alone, I get all introspective and think WAY too much into things, so why not write and release all my thoughts, maybe or maybe not to help someone who might or might not stumble across my page. Maybe I'm just trying to help myself not go crazy from thought-overload. Anyways, here goes.

Being alone, I do spend a lot of time with the Lord, though, which has proven to be an amazing growth process, just in the past month or so. It amazes me how true it is that if we only spend time in the word, and spend time with our Father, building that relationship, our life, and joy in this life, will grow abundantly. I feel for so long I was just floating through life, a "second chair" christian (if you don't know what that is, ask me, and i'll fill ya in...but that's another story) but in the past few months I have truly come alive in Christ. He has shown me more truths, given me more inexpressable highs and lows, and rewarded me in so many ways, just by being in constant contact with Him. I would much rather be so beautifully broken, flat on my face before Him, than just simply "happy" to live day to day. That may sound crazy, that when I'm upset, and just broken, that I'm still full of joy, but to me, that is to know true joy. When we are crushed in spirit, by standards of the world just beaten down, one thing after another, we are still joyful, full of hope in the Lord. I feel that when we're down and feel we have nothing, that is when true growth in the Lord comes in, because that's when we truly seek his face and his heart. I've come to understand that our relationship with Christ is truly that...a relationship, that lives and breathes, in need of constant care and nourishment. Let me put this into perspective...If you were in a loving relationship with a person, you would definitely want to talk to them everyday, and want to spend time with them as much as possible. Yet with God, we sometimes seem to be okay with doing a "quiet time" for about an hour (give or take) and then going about our lives. Imagine any worldly relationship where you said "Okay, I'll give you an hour a day, but after that, I'm done, and I'm gonna do what I want" Would that relationship not surely die! The same goes for our relationship with Christ, he desires nothing more but than for us to Yearn for him...not simply put enough effort into that relationship to survive. Because of this realization, All praise be to HIM, my Father and Creator, for breaking my selfish pride, and teaching me that I ultimately suck at life without Him and the guidance that our relationship provides me! He has lit the fire in my heart, and I just can't get enough. It's so beautiful a journey, while at times I'm hurting, and confused, all the while full of joy. This was a hard truth He taught me yesterday.

I've been struggling with guarding my heart in a certain situation I'm in, and as much as it's been so good for me to open my heart again, I've remembered how vulnerable opening up makes us! It's such a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs; getting built up, as well as let down...etc. etc. Thus, I've spent a lot of time trying to let go. But through this beautiful ride so far, My God has taught me two vital truths that I think every girl should know when she finds herself in this place.

The first is this, that JOY and HAPPINESS are NOT the same thing. I was praying for the Lord to fill me with his joy when I would get down or discouraged about this situation/relationship I'm in. When things were not going the way I wanted, I would pray for joy, and wonder why I didn't feel it. Why was I still hurting and worrying, and fill in the blank. But yesterday, I was out on the dyke at Clemson, sitting on a rock overlooking Hartwell (one of the most beautiful spots in Clemson, I recommend it to everyone!), and it hit me. While I've been saying "joy" in my prayers, I was really seeking happiness. I was praying for God to make me numb to the pain/worry that accompanies the excitement and, for lack of a better word, happiness in such a situation. I was wanting to just be happy everyday, experience and feel the good, but none of the bad. But God broke me and expressed to me that that is not the meaning of JOY. Like I said earlier, true joy can come in the midst of brokenness. He will not make his children numb to pain, because he is a jealous God, who wants us to seek his heart, which I so freely do when I'm feeling beaten down. I have been praying for the wrong thing, yet through that I have found comfort and rest in the fact that I still have eternal hope and joy down deep inside of me. Yes, I'm going to be hurt, and feel pain, but I'm full of Peace. Peace that this joy...aka the Holy Spirit...is living in me!


Now the second truth I've learned this week...I'm currently reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. I know it's written for boys, but Eldredge also recommends it for girls, "inviting them to discover the secret of a man's soul and to delight in the strength and wildness men were created to offer". I thought it would be a good idea to read because aren't we all searching to get in the mind of the opposite sex? Anyways...in reading this book, sure I've learned about every Adam's heart, but I've also learned SO much about MY heart, and women's hearts! The truth that God showed me yesterday was about my "Eve Complex" so to speak. Here's the excerpt that I read: **the part I really want you to get is in all caps b/c i can't figure out how to italicize yet haha**


"Eve is deceived...and rather easily, as my friend Jan Meyers points out. In The Allure of Hope, Jan says, "Eve was convinced that God was withholding something from her." Not even the extravagance of Eden could convince her that God's heart is good. "When Eve was [deceived], the artistry of being a woman took a fateful dive into the barren places of control and loneliness." NOW EVERY DAUGHTER OF EVE WANTS TO "CONTROL HER SURROUNDING, HER RELATIONSHIPS, HER GOD." NO LONGER IS SHE VULNERABLE; NOW SHE WILL BE GRASPING. NO LONGER DOES SHE WANT SIMPLY TO SHARE IN THE ADVENTURE; NOW, SHE WANTS TO CONTROL IT." And as for her beauty, she either hides it in fear and anger, or she uses it to secure her place in the world. "IN OUR FEAR THAT NO ONE WILL SPEAK ON OUR BEHALF OR PROTECT US OR FIGHT FOR US, WE START TO RECREATE BOTH OURSELVES AND OUR ROLE IN THE STORY. WE MANIPULATE OUR SURROUNDINGS SO WE DON'T FEEL SO DEFENSELESS." Fallen Eve either becomes rigid, or clingy. Put simply, Eve is no longer simply inviting. She is either hiding in busyness or demanding that Adam come through for her; usually, an odd combination of both." --John Eldredge, Wild at Heart

What a relief! I'm not just some crazy girl who always tries to control my life. Every woman battles this! It is our curse from all the way back to Eden, it's in our make-up. This is the complex that all women have, and what we battle with everyday. This truth just truly struck a cord with me, so to make sure it wasn't just me, I read it to my roommates, some of the most godly gals I've ever known (Praise the Lord for sweet Community!) and all of them agreed that this statement/passage is true, and they all appreciated it. This just solidified the fact that I'm not alone. Boys (if any are reading this) take notes. This is the heart of a woman. How beautiful is it that we are created to need to seek God's guidance, because if we don't we try to do it alone. This is an extreme comfort to me, that girls, we are not alone! We all fight the same battle...all we can do is grasp for our God's hand and his guidance.

It's a beautiful thing. But that's enough for today. I promise my future blogs won't be this long, I just had so much love and hopeful insight to pour out!!

Peace and Blessings....C

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